An Open Letter to the Girl I Used to Wish I Was

You're probably never going to read this.

Still, it's nice to finally get these thoughts out into the world, to relieve them from my system. I only think of you occasionally nowadays, but it's always when I'm at my lowest, when I'm feeling hopeless, useless, lesser than, or like a failure. And I know that it's not fair to myself.

You see, I used to look at you and wish I could be just like you. People absolutely adore you, and you make friends with such ease. You're beautiful, and you're talented. You always were.

We were friends, I considered you a very close one. But like many friendships, things went awry, we grew apart. Looking back I think I always thought we were much closer than you did. I was always right on the very outside edge of your orbit, never quite able to make the right connection that may have brought us to be close.

I realize now how unhealthy it was, the way you treated me. How I let you keep me just close enough to give me hope but never close enough to really have it mean anything. How I let myself be an obligatory friend because we had some classes together. How I was always the odd one out for no real definable reason. I let it happen, it's my fault, too.

You probably hardly think of me ever. That's okay. I wonder about you once in a while. Sometimes I'll look you up just out of curiousity. It's been years since I removed you from "friends" and "following" lists – it hurt me too much to be reminded of the good days that weren't as good as I thought at the time – however I still wish you love, happiness, success… all the best things.

I'd like you to think about the people who surround you now. Your friends, the women who were your bridesmaids, and so on. Don't take them for granted. To be surrounded by people who love you and cherish you is uplifting and amazing.

Allow yourself to be loved by them without brushing it off like nothing. Allow yourself to be loved. There's probably more people than you realize already holding their arms open to you. Let them. Let yourself be loved.

We've all got a long journey of life ahead of us. We need as many people in our corner as possible.

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